Question: What do you get when you combine the freakish physique, refined athleticism and superior intellect of Tiger Woods with, well… Elin Nordegren?
Answer: The supreme archetype for a race of mega-humans, or SAM for short.
On Monday it was announced that Tiger Woods’ wife had given birth to the couple’s first child, a baby girl they named Sam Alexis Woods. Both the child and mother are said to be doing well.
This, of course, officially marks the end of mankind as we knew it and gives way for a new superior race of humans to emerge.
I mean let’s face it, Tiger’s a stud. He has the physique of a Greek god, he’s wicked smart, he’s filthy rich and (according to my wife) he’s pretty darn good looking too. He could have mated with a barracuda and his offspring would’ve been superior in almost every way to most of us.
As if Tiger’s offspring wouldn’t have already been loaded up with super-human DNA – he had to go and have children with a Swedish supermodel!
Now his baby’s bloodline is a potent mixture of the best attributes of every single tribe and tongue on the planet. She has enough money in her college fund to buy an Ivy League school. And if that weren’t enough, she can probably already leap tall buildings in a single bound. I mean is there any doubt that this kid is going to be the most beautiful, powerful and rich human being ever created? She’ll probably fart rainbows for Pete’s sake!
We’re all doomed.
Filed under: Sports
i thought she was swedish
I stand corrected. I also edited the post with the correct info.
Good lookin’ out Lord Eddard.
Two things that are very disturbing in that post…
Mating with Barracudas (ouch)
And Farting Rainbows!! (what I do after I eat a bowl of lucky charms!)
I will admit that it’s unfortunate that a Barracuda was the first ugly animal that came to mind, if you agree to revisit your idea of mating technique.
And she not only farts rainbows, but she sweats Hawaiian Punch. Or maybe Gatorade.